The Dharmata

My inner sanctuary

Christopher Kijowski — Tue, 14 May 2013 11:42:18 +0000

Another day has arrived. The change we all experience is inevitable. it is how we manage that change which dictates how smoothly that process progresses.

My running, my solitude, my mornings have evaporated since an injury has left me sidelined over the past month. The balance which I sought through my runs was inextricably tied to meditation, meditation to running. It wasn’t until early this morning when awakened on two different occasions by a bad case of heart burn that it became clear I had lost that balance.

Heartburn, like many other maladies experienced are caused by a lack of balance between body and mind, a balance many of us do not notice. Instead we blame things, our life situation, etc. for our lack of balance. It makes us feel better to not have to have an additional responsibility.

A student at a Zen Center asked an incoming abbot, “What can the dharma teach me about serving others?”

The abbot answered, “What others? Serve yourself!”

“How,” the student persisted, “can I serve myself?”

The new abbot responded, “Take care of others.”

My running has always been a point of balance in my life. The other side of the scale has always been taking care of others; as a father, a husband and my role as a social worker. This past month away from running has reminded me of the importance of this balance, of how easily the scales can tip out of our favor.

Running has been my meditation, my meditation my running, without it I am out of balance.

George Sheehan said, “Running is not a religion, it is a place.” Dr. Sheehan has been a therapist and trusted advisor to me over the years. His writing, especially that in his book “Running and Being” has touched me. The pages of that book, dog-eared, yellowed, it’s margins filled with the notes of a 17 y.o.; his thoughts powerful and directive, allowing me to escape dark moments in my life.

Father Henri J. M. Nouwen, another author who has been an amazing presence in my life told a story in his book, “The Genesee Diary: Report from a Trappist Monastery.” In the book, Running: The Sacred Art: Preparing to Practice” by Warren a. Kay he writes, “Father Nouwen relates how he had gone to a Trappist monastery to live for seven months because he needed a break from the hectic and demanding schedule of writing and lecturing. After arriving, Father Nouwen was given a variety of daily tasks to help with the upkeep of the monastery. In addition,, though, Father Nouwen had time to himself–time to think, read, meditate, and pray. As he said a number of times in different ways, “The monastery is not built to solve problems, but to praise the Lord in the midst of them.”

At the end of seven months, when he was preparing to leave, Father Nouwen realized he hadn’t fixed or changed anything. He was still the same person with the same responsibilities he had before he arrived at the monastery. The trip to the monastery turned out to be just a pause- a break in the action of a busy life. When he returned to his normal life, things would once again be just as they were before, so he turned to abbot for advice. “You must put ninety minutes aside every day for prayer,” he was told. In this way he could create his own sanctuary in the midst of his everyday life. But this required an intention and commitment to do so. He would have to discipline himself every day. Without this daily renewal, what he had accomplished at the monastery would fade away. Only a return to the monastery every day would save him.”

Running for me has been that monastery. The solitude I find in this spiritual practice is as George Sheehan wrote, “is a place to commune with God and yourself, a place for psychological renewal.”

Running for me is that place. A place where I can go to be alone, to gather my thoughts, to think and to write. When I go for a run it is my own special place, it is my sanctuary.

Wordless Wednesday

Christopher Kijowski — Wed, 08 May 2013 23:27:56 +0000

“I wish to speak a word for Nature, for absolute freedom and wildness, as contrasted with a freedom and culture merely civil,–to regard man as an inhabitant, or a part and parcel of Nature, rather than a member of society. I wish to make an extreme statement, if so I may make an emphatic one, for there are enough champions of civilization: the minister and the school-committee, and every one of you will take care of that.” – Henry David Thoreau

An open letter to my photography clients

Christopher Kijowski — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:31:27 +0000

This is an open letter to my photography clients.

As I make a decision which has ironically been a rather easy decision, I wish to say “thank you” to everyone who supported me over the last several years. This past year has been one of tumultuous feelings. I have experienced great joy and great sadness.

It is with great joy that I have made a decision to close Christopher Kijowski Photography.

I had an amazing time spending the day with many brides, grooms and their respective family’s. The family’s and children I was lucky enough to spend an afternoon with and photograph reminded me of what was important in my life and central to my happiness. I enjoyed seeing the smiling faces and the happiness which resulted from many family’s having an opportunity to have their photo taken.

Last August I made a business decision designed to enhance my marketing without the need to increase my rates. This decision backfired and cost me dearly both financially and emotionally. I underestimated the kindness of others. Just to be clear, the decision was to have a coupon accessible through LivingSocial. Initially it did it’s job as business flooded in. Unfortunately, as a result of my naiveté, the business stopped as quickly as it had begun. I underestimated the goodness, the kindness of individuals who saw nothing more than a really great opportunity for themselves. As a result my business lost over 10K in just several months. The emotional toll which this decision took on me was even worse. I found myself rationalizing and justifying the photo shoots just to complete them and even thought at one point of rescinding the coupon and returning the pittance I received from LivingSocial. My value system, as strong and as ethical as it is took the lead and I am in the process of fulfilling the last several photo-shoots. I am very thankful to the small handful of individuals who understood, without me saying anything about my financial dilemma and took care to go above and beyond to financially compensate me for my efforts. My deepest thanks and gratitude to you.

My heart hurts at the thought of no longer being able to follow a dream that has been mine for many many years. The ubiquitous nature of digital cameras and the number of people who have purchased a digital camera and offered both low cost and low quality photography has, in my opinion harmed the art of photography. The desire of many people to take advantage of a small business trying in this economy to eek out a living simply became too much for me. It was resign from my photography business or continue to attempt to manage the feelings of anger and sadness which became genuinely overwhelming. I bristle when I hear others use the word cheap as they refer to wedding photography. Please learn and understand the difference between “cheap” and “inexpensive”. You get what you pay for. More times than I care to think I spent time with couples who had refused my prices choosing instead to go with the “cheaper” option only to be frustrated with the poor quality of the completed photography.

I will be returning to my two great loves; social work and writing. Thoreau wrote, “Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you.” I feel that in this way I contributed to the demise of my business. I think it is possible to chase a dream so hard that we can actually damage the dream or at the very least the process of pursuing that dream.

Again, I wish to thank everyone who supported me over the last several years. My camera will always remain with me, in my car, in my pack and with me on my runs. If you wish to contact me regarding a wedding or family portrait shoot I would be happy to discuss your needs. If your only concern is the price which you place on your photography, please don’t contact me.

Oh yeah, just one more thing…please don’t purchase a coupon through LivingSocial, Groupon, etc. I know the deep discounts are enticing but what you’ll end up with are small businesses like mine falling by the side of the road because we can no longer compete with the big retailers who can offer volume discounts. Also remind yourself of the difference between words like “cheap” and “inexpensive”. My work is not inexpensive nor is it “cheap”.

Sidelined again.

Christopher Kijowski — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:22:52 +0000

I made a decision which has been difficult for me. Decisions such as these have always been, well, difficult. I’ll be taking a couple of weeks off from running. I have an injury to my foot that is as of yet undiagnosed but causes pain with each step.

A few years ago I would have sunk into a depression because I would have continued to run through the injury until it simply became too painful. It has taken me a while, but I have become more agreeable to listening to the stories being told by my body. I am looking forward to a trip to Florida in another month and not being able to run on the beaches when would certainly contribute to feeling sad.

I have spent much of the last week rising and testing my foot. I ran earlier in the week and grimaced through the first several hundred yards of a run that simply felt awful. My denial remained on high alert and I deluded myself into believing the pain had subsided so “maybe I can get a few miles in tomorrow”. Throughout the day soreness and stiffness returned and I knew if I held on to the belief that running would be returning the next day, depression would not be far behind. Advil, that wonderful controller of physical pain and discomfort raises its ugly double edged sword at me. Discomfort is well controlled and with that control comes the euphoria of being pain free and a longing for a run increases. I behooves me to listen, really listen to those stories being told by my body.

A combination of being busy and not getting enough rest I am sure are the culprits behind this injury. The candle can only be burned from both ends for so long before the flame reaches the center, flickers, and burns out.

I have found happiness in this decision. I have also learned, lo these many years, that happiness, especially in these circumstances is about being content with my present circumstances.

I’ll use this time wisely to continue yoga, read the books which have been rapidly piling up and go with my dog for those lengthier walks by the water’s edge.

Namaste

Walking and Thinking

Christopher Kijowski — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:17:11 +0000

Walking and Thinking

Early afternoon and the blue sky, covered now and then with pillow like clouds being pushed by a breeze which reminded us that winter was recently left behind. As I walked the stone road along the edge of the lake with my dog, the temperatures in the high thirties with a windchill pushing it down into the low thirties causes me to grit my teeth and be thankful I carried gloves with me.

I walked the stone road until I reached the bend in the lake. I sat on the edge of a smooth granite slab, my legs dangling over the edge, feet almost touching the water. Jack, my dog walked to the edge and sat beside me. The slab warmed by the sun. I watched as fish rose from time to time and the breeze blowing gently across the water’s surface causing small ripples.

This time of year, on this side of the lake few others venture allowing me the solitude which I sought. I became restless after a few minutes, thoughts racing around in my head. I unzipped my backpack and retrieved my journal and fountain pen. I began to write about the activities of the week which had just ended. The double bombing Monday morning at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, the explosion at the factory outside Waco, Texas and the activities on Friday which saw one of the alleged bombers killed and the other taken into custody.

As a social worker and also as one who cherishes his sanity and the solitude which he creates around him; I found myself not paying much attention directly to those actions, but they remained in my thoughts. Why would someone do such a thing? This is a particular thought which I allow to come and go, never allowing it to spend much time in the forefront of my thoughts because I know anxiety and poor sleep will not be far behind.

It is times such as these that I turn to my long deceased friends Henry David Thoreau, John Muir, John Borroughs and Ralph Waldo Emerson to help me make sense of such things. They are of little direct help other than to remind me that there are some things in life for which logical sense will never be made. Instead I turn my tangled web of thoughts to those things which I can understand; nature. The solitude and solace provided by nature begins the process of untangling those thoughts. Here things are much simpler, as they should be. Henry thought a walk spoiled when he couldn’t out-pace the town and its news and when his mid was not successful shedding that news and those thoughts.

I began to think of my walk as spoiled so I retreat further into the solace and solitude brought to me by my walk in nature. I focused my breath and with shaky hand wrote and wrote; thoughts streaming forth as if from a faucet left on. Here amidst the pine trees and the rippling water I can breathe again. My breath comes easier, more rhythmic. Here my tangle of thoughts continues to unwind.

After a short time my thinking becomes increasingly clear. I can hear the chirping of nearby birds and the ripple of the water as the breeze, now more noticeable continues to disturb the once placid surface of the pond.

The walk has done its job. My thoughts, slowed to a snail’s pace are now clear. I acknowledge there is no sense to be made of this past weeks events and it is better to leave them where they began. I cap my fountain pen, close my journal and cinch the cord tight around the smooth leather binding. I sit for a few more minutes and decide it is time to go. Jack and I make the return walk to our car; my heart and head lighter from this walk.

It is humbling to know these thoughts will return again. It is comforting to know I have the woods in which to walk to help make sense of what I can to lighten my load.

Namaste

A spring snow…

Christopher Kijowski — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 15:42:55 +0000

The night was restful.

The wind stopped blowing sometime during the night, the rhythmic sound which helped lull me to sleep now absent.

The vague appearance of sunlight as it filtered through the still closed blinds.

I turned on the radio and listened to the weatherman announce the temperature. 34-degrees.

I stood hesitantly and with cautious fingers I parted the still closed blinds. My eyes fixated on the white tint covering the lawn…it had snowed last night, just enough to ensure we recall Mother Nature’s influence in our lives.

Did I mention it is April 20th?

Namaste

Wordless Wednesday

Christopher Kijowski — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 03:34:27 +0000

The weather remained cold as the calendar worked to grow closer to Spring. The bony fingers of the still naked trees reaching toward the sky trying to grasp something which is no longer there,

Wordless Wednesday

Christopher Kijowski — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 11:00:51 +0000

Central Park…by bicycle or running…anyway you traverse the park it is one of the most beautiful in the world.

Sunrise Run

Christopher Kijowski — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 20:18:52 +0000

I didn’t have an opportunity to post this photo of this beautiful sunrise yesterday so I’m sharing with you today.

I hope everyone is making a beautiful Sunday!

Namaste

April Fools…a little late.

Christopher Kijowski — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 13:40:11 +0000

April Fools Day! The sun shines and the clouds laying gently across a palate of blue remind me of the days when I lay in a field during summer staring up at the sky and guessing the shapes which they made.

Through the walls of the house I hear the steady roar of the wind. Through the window of my room I can see the bud encrusted branches being blown about by the same wind. They are at the whim of the wind; soon to grow into the leaves which will provide the beauty and shade of these magnificent trees.

The sunlight this morning is deceiving as the temperature hovers just a degree or two above freezing. Snow showers are in the forecast for this day and for much of the week making the decision not to ride the scooter to work an easy one.

I sit and listen to the quiet, interrupted only by the rhythmic ticking of a nearby clock as it marks each passing second.

Briefly I put down my fountain pen and watch in wonder as Jack’s lungs fill with air and then expel that same breath only to repeat the cycle. His eyes remain closed and he remains fast asleep. I sit with wonder and guess as to the thoughts which gently go through his head.

He appears content with what he has: a full stomach, a dish of fresh, cold water, fresh food, a soft bed and a human who scratches him behind the ears until he makes that sound that signals contentment. Briefly his eyes open. He looks in my direction as if he knows he is crossing my thoughts.

Perhaps we have something to learn from our animal friends about the simplicity of life.

Namaste